No doubt about it! The news is finally out. It has taken a really long time, but we finally know that all of those stories that run on The History Channel are true. You know the ones, the ones that put forward the proposition that We Are Not Alone. The stories revolve around some kind of ancient space mariners who came to Earth for whatever reason and stayed because they thought the Earth girls were hot, right?
We now have definitive proof that there was life on Mars. And, that life on Mars failed because of a faulty economy. What was that economy? Was it Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism, euphemism? Nope, it wasn’t any of those, it was good old capitalism. At least, that’s what Hugo Chavez thinks. And of course, as in everything else the Venezuelan President (enter Dictator here) says, it is absolutely true. Why, you can see it in the Mayan hieroglyphics, right? I mean, with all the stuff The History Channel puts out, something has to be true, doesn’t it?
So what did Prez Chavez say: ‘I have always said, heard, that it would not be strange that there had been civilization on Mars, but maybe capitalism arrived there, imperialism arrived and finished off the planet.’
Absolutely astounding. That means that all of those UFO sightings have to have been real, right? Of course they are. They have to be, because that’s just about the only proof out there that would support a colossally stupid statement like the one Chavez uttered.
Even if The History Channel’s stories were to turn out to be true, how in the world could you ever get from space invaders to death of a planet 101? I always thought it would end up being something much more interesting, like the common cold, that would do in these aliens from other planets. But now we know for sure that one’s economic system destroys the world and not natural causes, like volcanoes, earthquakes, and Venezuelan elections.
And so, what’s Chavez’ proof? He cites deforestation as the leading cause of deserts. Where’s the science behind that? Oh wait; he’s the Presi-dictator-dent, who needs proof. All the proof he needs are in Erich von Daniken's book, Chariot of the Gods. Don’t you know that? Are you all just a bunch of stupid, proletariat noodges? Even Hollywood knows the truth, Chavez said, don’t you remember that great American documentary, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
And, he added just for extra emphasis, you can’t forget the Nazca lines. Who do you think was able to make sure those ancestors were able to make all those lines exactly straight? They didn’t have transit levels back then, you know. So it had to be someone in a spaceship riding above the ground. Doesn’t it just make sense?
It’s so obvious, even the smartest people can’t see it, he said. Capitalism is even more nefarious than destroying Mars, he averred. For instance, we know for a fact that it is the main reason Earth’s water supplies are dwindling. Why, Nescafe alone has used up the entire discharge from the Amazon to fill their little water bottles. At 4.2 million cubic feet per second, that means Nescafe is packing away the moolah, he said.
“Ay Caramba—will those greedy capitalists never learn! They are destroying the world. Why can’t they take care of their people instead, like I do with my people? My people, they love me, that’s why they always reelect me. I mean, Obama, he barely earned the popular vote. Here in Venezuela, all the people vote in favor of me, well maybe enough of the people vote in favor of me. But I am certain to have a much higher percentage next time, I mean now that I know who voted against me, it will only take a little tweaking to get them to see things my way, right? Besides, I am like Muammar Gaddafi, right? My people, they love me, right? They better; I have better aircraft and military than that crazy Gaddafi has.”
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