Hell hath no Fury like Global Warming

There are times when science and the scientific world come up with some of the craziest, most inane theories that have ever throttled mankind or my imagination. Bad enough that goober, Galileo, had to go and ruin the geocentric cosmology that really upset the Catholic church and others who, in their earthocentric thought processes, felt the aged astronomer was way off base. I mean, surely those who scribed the earliest charts knew what they were talking about when they wrote “Here be monsters” in the outlying waters that were technically unexplored seas, right?

Maybe it just has something to do with the vagaries of spring? Whatever it is, it seems that global warming has assumed yet another tack in getting itself before the public. Sure, sure we all know that global warming is here to stay, just look out your window. There are piles of global warming all over the place; it makes driving in the state of Virginia a dangerous task. Big fluffy white stacks of global warming. My wife, in particular, has been awash with glee over these global warming days off she has had this winter.

And then haven’t you been, too?

So, Mother Jones—the magazine, not your mother or my mother—has reported on one of the most outlandish studies ever conducted. Apparently, Mother Jones uncovered a study that says global warming might be the “cause of more rapes of women.”

Well, I do declare!

So, this economist, Matthew Ranson, cites a historical connection between warmer temperatures and increased crime. Ranson said, "Looking at the past, we see a strong relationship between temperature and crime. We think that (relationship) is likely to continue in the future."

Well, duh!

Not very many criminals conduct their profession when the weather is very cold and snowy. They, like most non-criminals, are inclined to stay out of the weather. In fact, Channel 12 News reported that Richmond’s criminals would be closed Monday and Tuesday of this week due to the recent global warming event. And, notably, the number of murders, rapes, robberies, and assorted other crimes dropped dramatically over those two days: murder fell 87 percent, rapes were down 99 percent, and there were no reported robberies or burglaries. WTG Richmond and outlying areas!

Well, those statistics may not be accurate because it is far more likely that the people who collect the statistics were safe at home snuggled up in a blanket and sipping hot totties in front of a fire. Therefore, it would be safe to assume that those figures are on par with those employed by Mother Jones.

The main problem with the Mother Jones’ statistics is that first they encompass 89 years; and second, they employ a crime statistic that equates warm weather with increased crime. They even cite in the story that people come out in warm weather, and that there is more interaction between people that could be relevant to increased crime.

The problem, from my perspective, is that they make an enormous abductive leap to assume that 1. There is in fact this phenomenon known as global warming; 2. That somehow that means we will have a lot more warmer days sometime in the near future; 3. That warmer weather overall will mean more human interaction, which means the opportunity for such crimes as rape will increase and therefore, by extrapolation, we can expect to have a significant increase in rapes of women.

Strangely enough, and perhaps in the interest of equal time, Mother Jones includes this comment from another authority, Andrew Holland, a senior fellow for energy and climate at the American Security Project. Holland, obviously a reasonable thinker, is skeptical of Ranson’s conclusions. He says the study seems "tailor-made for a headline" but that "on further analysis, I don't know what it tells us. Just like any war has many reasons for starting, any crime has many factors that go into it. You can't convince me that any one rape was solely because of the temperature."

“Trying to determine the cause of a crime,” he says, “may be an interesting mathematical exercise, but it is neither useful nor helpful.”

So that leaves us with what is Mother Jones really trying to do with such a bizarre head line? The only real answer to that is getting the Global Warming message out to the world. When all else fails, cite global warming.

I mean, the whole global warming idea could serve as a great excuse for anything, right? Why didn’t you do your homework? Global warming. Why didn’t you take the dog for a walk? Global warming. Where are my Valentine’s Day flowers and gift, global warming? Well, forgetting important holidays like that may in fact add to global warming. You know, “hell hath no fury” and all that.