Federal Budget Smackdown!

Ladies and gents, aliens and domestics, democrat, republican and tea party members, one and all welcome to the Federal Budget Smackdown!  Tonight’s matches feature Rasslin’ greats from our very own US Capitol building in Washington, AC/DC.  Here’s the rundown on our program for this evening:

Serving the masses since ’91, “The Cincinnati Slasher,” John Boehner.  Slash, as we call him around the district mats, has hacked, carved, sliced and diced his way from Ohio political obscurity to become Speaker of the House.  His ascension to those balmy heights has come from the backlash of cut-and-carve budgetary conservatives known as the Tea Party.  And this ain’t your tea and crumpets type tea party, neither.  No Mad Hatter here; it’s hard core ‘rasslin complete with hidden brass knuckles, chains, lumber, and brickbats.

His opponent, hailing from the great state of Delaware, is none other than Joe “Robinegg” Biden.  Biden comes in weighing two trillion pounds, which at the current rate of exchange amounts to three trillion dollars.  Due to his enormous waste line, Biden was fitted for a special pair of ‘rasslin breeches that resemble a sumo wrestler’s mawashi.  Biden has been known to keep dangerous last minute excuses tucked into the folds of his shorts. Despite occasional verbal peccadilloes, Robinegg has in general been sequestered in his current position deeper than a bloated tick on a mangy old mutt.

Headlining the tag team feature is none other than Eric “Ivan the Great” Cantor.  Cantor, is considered one of the young guns because he was born in the same year that John Kennedy met his fate.  Despite that, there doesn’t seem to be any other connection between Cantor and the Kennedy’s, with the exception of Eric’s penchant for listening to the 80’s hardcore punk rock group, The Dead Kennedy’s.  Ivan the Great does his part to ensure that his partner, The Cincinnati Slasher, completes his appointed rounds.

Backing up Robinegg himself is relative newcomer to Smackdown, Charles Ellis (Son of Chuckie) Schumer.  Schumer hails from the Empire state, where he knocked off Al “The Axeman” D’Amato, and was also a member of the CBA franchise Albany Poltroons.  Schumer, a large and growing New York favorite on the mat, brings his own kind of street cunning to the field.  When worse comes to worst, you can count on Son of Chuckie to hold the banner of integrity tightly across the eyes of Biden’s opponents while biting off their ears in classic NY fighting fashion, ala Mike Tyson.

Not to be forgotten, we have the Budgetary Smackdown ladies:  Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin.  Look out when this catfight hits the mats.  Clinton holds the Smackdown international record for dirty tricks; while Palin is the only female mat woman known to have killed a moose with her bare hands. Step right up ladies and gents, get your tickets here.  Just tap in to CNN or Fox News for this pay per view extravaganza and be prepared for a night of fists, fury, and furtive glances.  Not since Rear Admiral George Cockburn burned the White House has there been any such fiery action in Washington.

And for tonight only we have a special referee.  Hailing from Hawaii, or thereabouts, we have a man whose name is only preceded by his ears, we bring back for your viewing pleasure, the one, the only, Barrack Hussein Obama.  Obama – living proof that the Acorn doesn’t fall far from the nut.

So, let’s get readdddddddddddy to rummmmmmmmble!